A Single Girl And Her Gynecologist

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mcdreamyWhen I am not working on my one woman show, I am busy working in the fitness industry. Before I begin this diary entry it’s important to note I have been a certified personal trainer for 15 years. I have trained hundreds of people and one of them was my gynecologist. I tell you that fact so it’s clear that the story I am about to tell you isn’t a story about a gynecologist lacking professionalism. It’s a story about my gynecologist who became my client and knows me more than a doctor typically knows his patient.

A little over 10 years ago, little did I know I was about to have my heart broken. Actually, I was headed for more than a heartbreak, I was about to have my guts ripped out from within. As the relationship was coming to an end, I had a doctor’s appointment with my gynecologist. My boyfriend at the time was sitting with me in the lobby and we were having an argument over the trust issues I was having. In the middle of the argument the office door opens and I hear, “Jeannette Rizzi.”

There he was, my doctor who is McDreamy’s doppelganger, standing with my chart. My boyfriend looked at me and said, “Really?” And with a sweet fuck you voice I smile and say, “Yes, really.” We walk into the exam room and I could tell the doctor didn’t recognize me. I had straightened my hair and lost about 20 pounds. The doctor was asking me the typical questions and the last one was “What is it you do for a living?” Before I could answer his head went under the sheet and he says, “Wait, you’re the trainer!” (Head out from under the sheet) “I almost didn’t recognize you. (Head back under the sheet) You lost a lot of weight!” (Thumbs up over the sheet) “I need to hire you!” He looks at the nurse and says, “Make sure you get me her number before she leaves.”

Now, any woman who has ever experienced trust issues with a man will tell you this is the best possible scenario! A hot man who happens to be a doctor, looking at your most sacred parts, and giving you a compliment in front of a man you are 99.9% sure is cheating on you! Priceless! The exam finished and when the doctor walked out my boyfriend lost it. (Imitating the doctor) “Oh I recognize this blue ribbon pussy,” I said, “Oh, what. You don’t trust me?” He said, “No, I don’t trust you. And if we ever have a child that man is NOT delivering the baby.” I laughed and said, “Yes he is. I think he is a great doctor!”

Fast-forward ten years. The boyfriend is gone, my guts have been repaired, the doctor remains, and the doctor and Minnie (my vagina) are best buds. About 8 months ago I brought Minnie in for her check up and in comes my doctor. He looks at the chart. “Jeannette, are you still training? How is the show coming along? Boyfriend? No? Okay, are you still sleeping with your friend? Ok.” I put my feet in the stirrups and he slips under the sheet. “Jeannette let’s have a serious talk. You’re 37, your career is booming, you’re about to reach you dreams with your show. It’s time to have a baby.”

“Really doctor? Who would I have that baby with? I don’t have a boyfriend.” (Head slips out from under the sheet) “Jeannette, you’ve been sleeping with a man for over six years.” (Head back under the sheet) “Yes doctor, but that doesn’t mean he wants to marry me.” (Head slips back out from under the sheet) “Jeannette, who needs a marriage? Take it from me, marriage means nothing.” (Head goes back under the sheet) “Besides, no man sleeps with a woman for over six years and feels nothing. He just needs a little push.” “Well doctor I don’t want to push a man to be with me.” “Jeannette, does he talk to you about having children?” “Yes, doctor.” “Ok, does he have a good job?” “Yes doctor.” (Head slips out from under the sheet) “Get off your pills and have that baby is all I am saying.” (Head back under the sheet) “Okay doctor, let’s pretend I do that. Then I have this baby, with a man I am not married to, and he leaves me. Do you have good lawyers who will go after him and make him pay child support?” (Thumbs up over the sheet) “I have the best lawyers.”

He pats my foot, gives Minnie and A+, and then says, “I am serious, the world needs one more Jeannette Rizzi in it.” I say, “Thank you, but please refill my birth control pills.” Meanwhile my phone goes off and it’s the six-year mystery man. “How’s Minnie?” I say, “She’s fine. She’s passed all of her tests with flying colors. She’s in the lobby singing Pat Benatar songs.”

Fast-forward 8 months. I called my doctor today and said, “Doctor, is it possible that the generic form of my birth control pills is making me emotional?” He said, “Probably. It may take a few months to level out. OR you could just come off of them and have (in a sweet high pitch voice) a baby!” I say, “Ok. I hear you and thanks, but no thanks, I will stick to the pills.” I go to therapy and my therapist says, “How is your day?” I say, “Fine, except I am having problems with my birth control pills. My insurance switched me over. On the old pill I only wanted to kill myself. On this new pill I want to kill everyone!” She laughed and said. “Give it a few months and it will level out. Or, you could just come off of them and (in a sweet high pitch voice) have a baby!”

Sigh…onward and upward I go…with or without…a baby…

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