Life Isn’t Fair

Share This: Life isn’t fair! How many times have you said that to yourself? I tried to count it today, but I couldn’t come up with a final calculation. The truth of the matter is the total isn’t that high. Generally, when life upsets me, my go-to childish response is, “I HATE YOU!” Any comedian with a “day job” will tell you there isn’t anything worse than returning from a comedy festival and heading back into the office. Nothing will sober you up from a four-day adrenaline rush faster than one unruly customer after another. And that was my day today! People yelling, bitching, throwing tantrums like children trying to get money back for ridiculous reasons. When I say, “No, I am sorry, this is our policy” and I get attacked. I am not really sure what Trump is doing for our country, nor am I trying to debate any of you, but I will say one thing. He is definitely teaching the people of America how to verbalize a solid threat. So here I am, back in the office, doing the best I can, feeling like I am stuck in between a rock and a hard place. I have two options. I can respond to these bullies like North Korea and threaten World War 3, OR I can behave more like Obama and say, “Let’s just hug this out.” All I know is, by the ninth hour, I am steadily losing my patience. “If one more person attacks me today…” knock…knock…knock. I open my door, take a deep breath and an employee slips a cancellation form in front...

Marriage Proposal #5

Share This:   This morning I was in the coffee shop with a man, probably 45, dressed in a nice black suit and his elderly mother. She asked how his day was going. Son- I am looking for a 3-carat diamond for my client. His fiancé cracked hers. His mother had a sweet soft voice like my mother’s. His Mom- Why do these young girls insist on having such big rings these days? All I wear is my gold band and I’ve never had any issues with the ring or my marriage. Son- You’re a special kind of woman mom. His Mom- Makes no sense. They get cloudy. Her comment made me lift my eyes away from my phone. Me- Why would a diamond get cloudy? Son- Well they are just dirty really. It’s because fit women such as yourself wear them while they run. Just make sure you take yours off. Me- Oh, I don’t have one, but thanks for the heads-up. His Mom- Oh, you’re such a nice pretty girl. (Gives her son the mom eyes and elbow) You’re not married? Me- No. I always tell my boyfriend I expect an enormous ring. Not because I am greedy, but because I am a commitment phobe and deep down I hope it scares him away. Son- A woman like you? That’s not going to scare him away! He’ll get it for you trust me! And if he doesn’t than I will!! His Mom- Yes! (Gives me the mom eyes and elbow) Finally! Marry him please! We had a good laugh and as I walked over to grab my...

A Mother, Her Daughter, and A Bag of Condoms

Share This: When my mom was a teenager, she decided to devote her life to God and become a nun. After spending a few years in the convent, she decided she would be able to do more positive things for the world if she was actually living in it. So she put in, well actually I just realized I should ask her about this because I don’t think nuns can just put in their two weeks notice, but you get the point…she quit. After my mom left the convent, she became a kindergarten teacher and she was -and still is- loved by every person she ever came into contact with. One day, when I was 16, my mom borrowed my car. She was driving the head of the school district to a big meeting when she had to slam on the brakes. Low and behold a bag of condoms, that I had hidden, flew out from under the seat. The head of the school district sees them, and my mom, extremely embarrassed, says, “Oh, I am teaching a sex education class for extra money.” I was sitting in my 11th grade English class and next thing I know I hear the school office over the intercom. “Mr. Wright, please send Jeannette Rizzi to the office. She has been checked out.” I walk into the office and there is my mom standing with her arms crossed. She didn’t say a word to me and drove straight to the doctor. She asked the doctor to put me on birth control pills, drove to the pharmacy, picked them up, threw them at me...
New Year’s Resolution 2017

New Year’s Resolution 2017

Share This: It’s that time of year again! We see them all over the place, those pesky little New Year’s resolutions. What will it be this year? Lose weight, stop eating fast food, make more money, quit the job you hate, get rid of the lover you hate, find the love of your life? Or how about no resolution at all? That might be easier. I have to admit up until my mid-twenties I picked all of the above. It wasn’t until 2007 that I started to make real New Year’s resolutions that I stuck with. Ultimately, those resolutions have not only saved my life, but they have made me the woman I am today. Right before Christmas in 2006 the man that I loved more than I loved myself walked out of my life with half of my belongings and my entire heart. Perhaps it wouldn’t have been such a tragedy if I hadn’t already lost two of my dear friends to suicide. And to make matters worse, he wasn’t the first man that I loved who stomped all over my heart and walked away without a proper goodbye. Was this what life was all about? People you love either shoot themselves or pretend to love you and then turn around and rip your guts right out? They just leave your life forever with no goodbye or explanation. I thought so and because of that I decided that I too wanted to take my own life. I walked to the edge of my balcony and right before the second foot came off of the ground, my little dog...

Bye Bah Humbug, Hello ER Doctor

Share This: It’s a well-known fact that no one can avoid. We all feel a little lonely over the holiday season. It’s even worse if you’re like me and you’re spending it alone. Oh, and then there’s that whole naturally slightly suicidal thing I have going on as well. I bear a heavy load so to speak, but I don’t need sympathy for it. I am just saying…bah humbug! Before the holidays even arrived I started to blog and this morning I was lying in bed thinking about what my next blog could be about. The conversation in my head went like this. “Let’s see, oh, I know, I’ll write about how to make it through the holidays without running to jump off of a cliff. No Rizzi, get away from suicide. What else can you write about? Well I’m a really good personal trainer. How about doing a piece on how to avoid holiday weight gain? Nah. Overplayed, Rizzi. What else? Condom free porn? Now you’re onto something. Hum, condom free porn, what can I write about condom free porn. Ugh…I am lonely!” As I continued to lie there and have this little chat with myself at 3 am, I thought back to a talk I had with my friend about trying a dating app like Bumble or Tinder. I always seem to forget my vagina, Minnie, can read my mind– so then of course she wakes up at 3:05 am and starts cheering, “Yes! Tinder!” “Um, no Minnie, neither you nor I have enough self-control for that app so you can forget it.” “Okay, mom.” She was silent for a...