Marriage Proposal #3

Share This: I just met Madea’s twin at Whole Foods in the checkout line. She looked in my little basket. Madea- Look at that piece of chocolate. There must be lots of calories in that. Me- It’s Sunday. Who cares about calories? Madea- Hell with that figure you got, you don’t need to worry about calories on any day of the week! Me- Well not exactly, but thank you. (Madea picks up the wine in my basket) Madea- Is this sweet? I like sweet red wine! Me- (Not thinking before I open my mouth) Then you should get the ménage trois. That’s the best. (Medea lets out a Madea laugh at the top of her lungs) Madea- Well I would like to try that just because of the name sister! (There was a silent pause as she strokes the wine bottle) Madea- Maybe you want to come over with me and my boyfriend to have some? I bet by the end of the night he will want to marry both of us! (I gently take back the wine bottle and pat her on the shoulder) Me- I bet…him and every other man in America! Onward and upward…without the ménage trois…for today at...

#accosted #whitebitch

Share This: All my life I was taught to be nice to people or “God would punish me.” In my teenage years that statement turned me into a doormat. People would make fun of me or my boyfriends’ would treat me like shit and I just took it. Why? So that a mysterious figure in the sky wouldn’t punish me? The situation only got worse after two of my friends took their own lives. Then, not only was I worried that “God would punish me,” I was also worried that my words would cause a third person to take their life as well. So, it was easier for me to just swallow what I had to say. Even if that person deserved to be put back in their place. There is only so long that you can take verbal abuse without fighting back before it will come out in a different way. Right around the age of eighteen was when all of the hurtful things that had been said to me started to come out in a negative way. I had always had a habit of twisting my hair, but all of a sudden I started to rip it out. I also started to get terrible acne and the thought of killing myself was constantly on my mind. That was when I took a long hard look in the mirror and said, “It’s time to give therapy a shot.” As I called around searching for the best therapist who would fit my needs, I would ask two questions. “Can you help me stop thinking about killing myself and can you...

Marriage Proposal #2

Share This: I guess I should keep the hope alive. I got another marriage proposal today while I was working. Man- My goodness you are beautiful, are you married? Me- Nope Man- Will you marry me? I am 84, I still have my own teeth, my penis still works, and I have a little bit of money! Me- Well you had me all the way up until the little bit of money...

A Single Girl, A Phlebotomist, Mixed With A Little Karma

Share This: I am sure that it doesn’t surprise you to hear the child of a nun and a monk lives in constant fear that God will punish her if she acts out in anyway. I would like to say that this fear of mine is irrational, but it’s proven time and time again. Or, maybe I am wrong. Perhaps it’s a little ole thing we call karma. Let me start by telling you a story about one of my best friends’ growing up. Her name is Amy. Amy and I have known each other since we were in kindergarten. We have been through everything together including many doctors’ appointments. I used to love to go with her because she always passed out when she saw a needle. I was highly entertained. I would laugh, and laugh, and laugh some more until she would wake up. Little did I know God, or karma, was sitting right there in the room with us just waiting to pay my ass back. Fast forward to 10 years ago. I went for my annual physical and they decided to run some blood tests. Sure, no problem. I walk into this room with a phlebotomist, a table, and three chairs. Someone is getting their blood drawn and there is a mother and a child up next. The kid is crying hysterically and the mom is trying to calm him down. She leans to me and says, “Do you mind going next?” Sweet, less waiting at the doctor, what did I do to score such luck? I sit down and I can hear the mother. “Watch...
Marriage Proposal #1

Marriage Proposal #1

Share This: All I ever hear is, “Once a woman hits her late thirties, all she thinks about is marriage!”  I wouldn’t consider myself desperate, but the thought does cross my mind. However, the world is lying to themselves if they think women are the only ones who think about it more and more as they hit their late thirties. I know this because men talk to me about it all the time. Or, better yet, men ask me to marry them on a weekly basis. Just ask the guy I met at Starbucks yesterday! I was standing behind him as he was ordering and then he turned to me and started chatting. Guy- I didn’t mean to hold up the coffee line there. Me- It’s no problem. Guy- So you’re headed to the gym. Me- Well kind of, I work at a gym. Guy- Oh you’re a trainer, I can tell. You must do fitness modeling. Me- Me? Oh no, not me! (It’s important to note here- he was actually my age and very good looking- so I actually feel myself blushing and smiling) Guy- Why not?! You certainly have the body for it! Me- Well thank you, but no. I am Italian. I eat pizza and pasta. No fitness modeling here. Guy- You should, you are probably smoking hot in a bikini. (And here was the key moment where I snapped out of it and think to myself- oh this slick motherfu$&@r) Me- Oh you sneaky bastard! You almost got me! Guy- (He starts laughing) What, I am serious! Are you single? Come get in a bikini...