Bye Bah Humbug, Hello ER Doctor

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image-20150312-13520-ibyok1It’s a well-known fact that no one can avoid. We all feel a little lonely over the holiday season. It’s even worse if you’re like me and you’re spending it alone. Oh, and then there’s that whole naturally slightly suicidal thing I have going on as well. I bear a heavy load so to speak, but I don’t need sympathy for it. I am just saying…bah humbug!

Before the holidays even arrived I started to blog and this morning I was lying in bed thinking about what my next blog could be about. The conversation in my head went like this. “Let’s see, oh, I know, I’ll write about how to make it through the holidays without running to jump off of a cliff. No Rizzi, get away from suicide. What else can you write about? Well I’m a really good personal trainer. How about doing a piece on how to avoid holiday weight gain? Nah. Overplayed, Rizzi. What else?

Condom free porn?

Now you’re onto something. Hum, condom free porn, what can I write about condom free porn. Ugh…I am lonely!”

As I continued to lie there and have this little chat with myself at 3 am, I thought back to a talk I had with my friend about trying a dating app like Bumble or Tinder. I always seem to forget my vagina, Minnie, can read my mind– so then of course she wakes up at 3:05 am and starts cheering, “Yes! Tinder!”

“Um, no Minnie, neither you nor I have enough self-control for that app so you can forget it.”

“Okay, mom.”

She was silent for a second and then says, “Mom, may I have my own Tinder account for Christmas?”

“Minnie, damn it, go back to bed!”

As the clocked ticked on, I went through the pros and cons of each and finally gave myself a pep talk.

“Rizzi, you’re a great catch. Stop being a chicken and get out there!”

So I roll over, pick up the phone, and hit download. And bang, not enough storage space on the phone! As fast as that little sign popped up on my phone, so did Bill Engvall’s voice saying, “Here’s your sign!” I lay the phone back down on the empty pillow next to me and pull the blanket over my head.

Then, my dog Jezabelle says, “No, mom! Pick up that phone and try again! Delete some pictures if you have to!”

“What? Wait, why are you awake? It’s only 3:18 in the morning!”

She yells back, “How am I supposed to sleep with that big light on your phone!” She had a point.

After deleting a few pictures it was a success! I took my friend’s advice and went with Bumble so I don’t get hit with stalkers. Now it’s time to choose the pictures and my head starts spinning again. “That one is kind of cute! No, not that one. Yep, this one for sure! Not too sure about this one.”

Then I hear, “Yes mom! Use that one!”

“Minnie, damn it go back to bed.”

“Well I’m just saying, Mom, you look super hot in that picture! You know how many men would stop to look at that? I will be fed for days!”

“Yes, Minnie I know. That picture prompted 400 friend requests on Facebook in five days and it wasn’t because I’m that good of a comedian! I’m half naked!”

Of course Minnie had a smart ass remark. “You know what I always tell you, mom. Go big or go home!”

“Minnie, shut up!”

Finally I had the pictures up and it was time to write something short and sweet. And off to the races my head went yet again.

“I hate this part! Let’s see. Okay, here we go. I’m very busy. No, Stupid, you can’t start off like that. You sound like an old lady! Well I can’t tell the truth which is I have no free time and I hope you’re okay with talking dogs and a vagina that never shuts up! Well I guess I could say that, but that’s not true. The talking dogs and the needy vagina are true, but I have time. I just need someone who doesn’t need too much of it and actually shows up when he’s supposed to. Someone who doesn’t add anymore stress to my life, is who he says he is, doesn’t make me feel more suicidal than I already am, has dealt with shit from his past, loves the real me.”

Jezabelle interrupts and yells, “Well you may as well ask Santa Claus to marry you, Mom, cause that shit ain’t coming down the pipeline!”

She was right. Back to the conversation in my head I went.

“Ok Rizzi, short and sweet. I love laughing. Oh god, Rizzi, don’t write that! Who doesn’t love laughing! Be original. Oh, okay. I wrote this amazing one woman show. Eek no! Fuck on the first date if you want, but don’t admit to being a comedian until at least the third! Good point. Okay. How about, I like fitness, coffee and dachshunds. Perfect! All done.”

Truth be told I was excited. I even played the theme song from Rudy in the background. Jezabelle yelled, “Good job mom!” Minnie also chimed in. “I get final approval mom.” And then we all went back to sleep. When I woke up it was like I won the lottery. I tapped the phone and wowza! I check out the first cutie and then all of that excitement comes to a screeching halt. Yep, right at the moment when I realize I have to do something.

But what was that something? My mind got right back on the racetrack. “It was 3 am when I set this shit up! What the hell am I supposed to do now? Do I go left, right, which way is left and right? Oh this is just as stressful as it was in kindergarten when I was trying to figure out which hand I wrote with. Was it my left or right? This is already too much work! I just want to be SINGLE!”

Right before I said I quit, I decided to text my friend. “What do I do now?” She of course made it simple. “Right is yes, as if you’re moving in the right direction.” I say, “Ok, and left as in I am leaving you! Got it.”

For the rest of the day, every time a cute guy popped into my feed, I would hold up my fingers in the shape of an “L” to make sure I didn’t accidentally send a good one packing. I think I got the hang of it. The moral of the story doesn’t really have anything to do with my dating app adventure, but about feeling lonely. The holidays are tough. There is no escaping it, but there’s also no need to be alone. Get out there, do your best to survive. Even if you have to play Rudy music in the background to get yourself pumped up. Give your dog and vagina a voice, look in the mirror, and say, “You are a great catch!” After all, it’s not the end of the world it’s only Christmas. Onward and upward….no longer saying bah humbug…but saying….hello, ER doctor! #merrychirstmastome

1 Comment

  1. You, minnie & the talking dogs are amazing! I love your humor!
    Great advise,too!

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