Just Like Mom

Share This: Every girl remembers the moment she said it. “I am nothing like my mother!” When I said it I was probably fourteen or fifteen years old. I stood by that statement even as I approached my early twenties. My friends would say, “You’re exactly like your mother!” I would shrug it off and reply, “No, I am completely different.” Then, something changed. It kind of crept up on me slowly. I am not sure of the exact date, but I think it was when I started to develop this obsession with water. I always have it with me, but then the news came out that it could cause Cancer if the plastic were to get overheated in a car. I had gone to visit my friend Amy and her husband in Quantico for the 4th of July. We had been out all day in the heat and had a few water bottles left. I was outside pouring it on all of the bushes and trees. Amy came outside and asked what I was doing. I looked up and said, “We can’t drink this, but we can’t just throw it out so I am giving it back to the Earth. She has been good to us and we should do something nice in return.” Amy laughed and said, “You sound just like your mother!” Next I was with my friend Morgan. We were on our way back from a meeting and we heard a news report. Someone stole a man’s prosthetic leg out of his truck. Before I knew it, the words popped right out of my mouth...

#MeToo

Share This: #MeToo I was 24 years old. I had just dropped out of law school to chase my dream of becoming a comedian. I already performed a few sets in San Diego prior to moving to Los Angeles. It was on the stage at the Comedy Store in La Jolla that I realized I wanted to do more then just be a cute girl with dirty jokes. I wanted to do the IMPOSSIBLE- bring light to the unspeakable subject. Suicide. I wanted to learn more about networking so I applied for an internship with a big name in the PR world. He represented all of the stars: Michael Jackson, Sandra Bullock, Nicole Kidman– just to name a few. I had heard all of the Hollywood stories, just like we’re hearing now, so I did my research to be safe. His reputation was squeaky clean. “The kindest man in Hollywood.” When I went for the interview I was nervous and excited. I sat there with him at a coffee shop for two hours and in the end I got the position– under two conditions. I stop with my “girlish” giggle and I got rid of my gum because, “No one will respect you with that in your mouth!” Deal! I signed up for an internship that was for four hours on Sunday for the next six weeks. The following day, on Monday my phone rang. Mr. PR kept me on for two hours with his list of demands. “Sure, no problem!” said the little girl from Alachua, Florida. On Tuesday, my phone rang. I stayed on the phone with...

Grocery Store Troubles

Share This: Today, I am happy. Like, over the top HAPPY! Could be because I had a good day at work, could be because I put extra butter on my toast this morning, could be because my fiancé convinced me early morning sex would be the ultimate cure for this stupid cold I’ve been battling. Nonetheless, I am happy. After I finished up my work, I stopped at the grocery store. And this next part goes to show just how happy I am today- the lines at Whole Foods were ridiculous! But…there I stood happily waiting my turn. The man in front of me unloads his overly stuffed cart onto the conveyor belt — huffing and puffing — and says to the clerk, “I have to pay all the bills and go to the grocery store too because I have a LAZY wife!” I am still standing there. Happily holding my little basket. He takes one look at me, two looks, and on the third he rolls his eyes, exhales his grumpy breath all over me and says, “You know you can put your basket down. You don’t have to stand there exercising!” While it did catch me completely off guard, my first thought was the two little words my future stepdaughter likes to say, “How RUDE!” Then I smiled, exhaled my happy breath on him, and said– #1- The only thing in this basket is some mango, arugula and a mushroom so trust me — I didn’t feel the need to exercise. #2- People like you are the reason America has an obesity problem. Standing in line, holding...

A Conversation Between The Future Bride and Her Former Monk Father

Share This: For those of you who don’t know, my father was a Franciscan Monk before my mother gave birth to my older brother, sister, and this little angel. As you can imagine, having a former nun and monk as your parents comes in handy when you’re getting married and need an officiant. I have always adored my father’s former monk friend who is now a conservative gay Lutheran minister with multiple partners. Perfect fit for an interracial couple’s wedding right in the heart of Los Angeles! We’re like the United Colors of Benetton in our own special way. After my dad spoke with his friend, he called me to say his friend was more than happy to marry my fiancé and I. And then, the battle began- Dad: Jeannette, I didn’t want to answer for you guys– Mom: (Steals the phone and chimes in) Yes he did! Oh yes he did! Dad: (Shushing mom) Your officiant wanted to know if you’d like him to wear his suit or his vestments on the day of the wedding. At the same time Me: Suit          Dad: Vestments Me: No!           Dad: No! Dad: Listen! Your mother and I already kept our mouth’s shut when you decided NOT to get married in a church. Mom: (Steals the phone again) I was fine with it. Whatever you want, Jeannette! Dad: (Shushing mom) You could at least do this for us. Mom: (Yelling from the background) He means him! Me: I’ll ask Brian and see what he wants. Then, out of no where my father’s sweet monk voice disappears and turns into his super-thick Brooklyn accent. Dad: You...

13 Reasons Why, 1 Reason Why Not

Share This: I just finished the first episode. For those of you who don’t know me, know this. Teenage suicide is a subject I am far more familiar with than I’d like to be. However, some things in life you don’t have a choice about. Being a survivor of suicide is one of them. Within the first 5 minutes of the first episode I thought to myself, have the people who wrote this ever stepped foot into a high school after it’s struck by suicide? A few days after I lost my first friend to suicide a group of my friends were called into the office of our high school. For some reason we decided to record a video for my friend and tell him how much we loved and would miss him. I still have the video and I watched it not too long ago. We didn’t look like the students look in this episode who just lost a classmate a few days prior. We weren’t dressed in cute clothes. None of the girls had on makeup. We were barely functioning. We were in complete shock. All of us looked like we had been ripped from childhood and turned into adults within seconds. Our eyes swollen shut, tears flowing without control, our bodies still trembling from the pain days later. Taking a selfie with a sad face? WTF? Even if we had cell phones we wouldn’t have been able to find the picture button through the flooding tears. After my second friend took her own life a year later, I remember sitting at her funeral and seeing a...

Life Isn’t Fair

Share This: Life isn’t fair! How many times have you said that to yourself? I tried to count it today, but I couldn’t come up with a final calculation. The truth of the matter is the total isn’t that high. Generally, when life upsets me, my go-to childish response is, “I HATE YOU!” Any comedian with a “day job” will tell you there isn’t anything worse than returning from a comedy festival and heading back into the office. Nothing will sober you up from a four-day adrenaline rush faster than one unruly customer after another. And that was my day today! People yelling, bitching, throwing tantrums like children trying to get money back for ridiculous reasons. When I say, “No, I am sorry, this is our policy” and I get attacked. I am not really sure what Trump is doing for our country, nor am I trying to debate any of you, but I will say one thing. He is definitely teaching the people of America how to verbalize a solid threat. So here I am, back in the office, doing the best I can, feeling like I am stuck in between a rock and a hard place. I have two options. I can respond to these bullies like North Korea and threaten World War 3, OR I can behave more like Obama and say, “Let’s just hug this out.” All I know is, by the ninth hour, I am steadily losing my patience. “If one more person attacks me today…” knock…knock…knock. I open my door, take a deep breath and an employee slips a cancellation form in front...