Marriage Proposal #5

Share This:   This morning I was in the coffee shop with a man, probably 45, dressed in a nice black suit and his elderly mother. She asked how his day was going. Son- I am looking for a 3-carat diamond for my client. His fiancé cracked hers. His mother had a sweet soft voice like my mother’s. His Mom- Why do these young girls insist on having such big rings these days? All I wear is my gold band and I’ve never had any issues with the ring or my marriage. Son- You’re a special kind of woman mom. His Mom- Makes no sense. They get cloudy. Her comment made me lift my eyes away from my phone. Me- Why would a diamond get cloudy? Son- Well they are just dirty really. It’s because fit women such as yourself wear them while they run. Just make sure you take yours off. Me- Oh, I don’t have one, but thanks for the heads-up. His Mom- Oh, you’re such a nice pretty girl. (Gives her son the mom eyes and elbow) You’re not married? Me- No. I always tell my boyfriend I expect an enormous ring. Not because I am greedy, but because I am a commitment phobe and deep down I hope it scares him away. Son- A woman like you? That’s not going to scare him away! He’ll get it for you trust me! And if he doesn’t than I will!! His Mom- Yes! (Gives me the mom eyes and elbow) Finally! Marry him please! We had a good laugh and as I walked over to grab my...

A Mother, Her Daughter, and A Bag of Condoms

Share This: When my mom was a teenager, she decided to devote her life to God and become a nun. After spending a few years in the convent, she decided she would be able to do more positive things for the world if she was actually living in it. So she put in, well actually I just realized I should ask her about this because I don’t think nuns can just put in their two weeks notice, but you get the point…she quit. After my mom left the convent, she became a kindergarten teacher and she was -and still is- loved by every person she ever came into contact with. One day, when I was 16, my mom borrowed my car. She was driving the head of the school district to a big meeting when she had to slam on the brakes. Low and behold a bag of condoms, that I had hidden, flew out from under the seat. The head of the school district sees them, and my mom, extremely embarrassed, says, “Oh, I am teaching a sex education class for extra money.” I was sitting in my 11th grade English class and next thing I know I hear the school office over the intercom. “Mr. Wright, please send Jeannette Rizzi to the office. She has been checked out.” I walk into the office and there is my mom standing with her arms crossed. She didn’t say a word to me and drove straight to the doctor. She asked the doctor to put me on birth control pills, drove to the pharmacy, picked them up, threw them at me...
New Year’s Resolution 2017

New Year’s Resolution 2017

Share This: It’s that time of year again! We see them all over the place, those pesky little New Year’s resolutions. What will it be this year? Lose weight, stop eating fast food, make more money, quit the job you hate, get rid of the lover you hate, find the love of your life? Or how about no resolution at all? That might be easier. I have to admit up until my mid-twenties I picked all of the above. It wasn’t until 2007 that I started to make real New Year’s resolutions that I stuck with. Ultimately, those resolutions have not only saved my life, but they have made me the woman I am today. Right before Christmas in 2006 the man that I loved more than I loved myself walked out of my life with half of my belongings and my entire heart. Perhaps it wouldn’t have been such a tragedy if I hadn’t already lost two of my dear friends to suicide. And to make matters worse, he wasn’t the first man that I loved who stomped all over my heart and walked away without a proper goodbye. Was this what life was all about? People you love either shoot themselves or pretend to love you and then turn around and rip your guts right out? They just leave your life forever with no goodbye or explanation. I thought so and because of that I decided that I too wanted to take my own life. I walked to the edge of my balcony and right before the second foot came off of the ground, my little dog...

Marriage Proposal #3

Share This: I just met Madea’s twin at Whole Foods in the checkout line. She looked in my little basket. Madea- Look at that piece of chocolate. There must be lots of calories in that. Me- It’s Sunday. Who cares about calories? Madea- Hell with that figure you got, you don’t need to worry about calories on any day of the week! Me- Well not exactly, but thank you. (Madea picks up the wine in my basket) Madea- Is this sweet? I like sweet red wine! Me- (Not thinking before I open my mouth) Then you should get the ménage trois. That’s the best. (Medea lets out a Madea laugh at the top of her lungs) Madea- Well I would like to try that just because of the name sister! (There was a silent pause as she strokes the wine bottle) Madea- Maybe you want to come over with me and my boyfriend to have some? I bet by the end of the night he will want to marry both of us! (I gently take back the wine bottle and pat her on the shoulder) Me- I bet…him and every other man in America! Onward and upward…without the ménage trois…for today at...

#accosted #whitebitch

Share This: All my life I was taught to be nice to people or “God would punish me.” In my teenage years that statement turned me into a doormat. People would make fun of me or my boyfriends’ would treat me like shit and I just took it. Why? So that a mysterious figure in the sky wouldn’t punish me? The situation only got worse after two of my friends took their own lives. Then, not only was I worried that “God would punish me,” I was also worried that my words would cause a third person to take their life as well. So, it was easier for me to just swallow what I had to say. Even if that person deserved to be put back in their place. There is only so long that you can take verbal abuse without fighting back before it will come out in a different way. Right around the age of eighteen was when all of the hurtful things that had been said to me started to come out in a negative way. I had always had a habit of twisting my hair, but all of a sudden I started to rip it out. I also started to get terrible acne and the thought of killing myself was constantly on my mind. That was when I took a long hard look in the mirror and said, “It’s time to give therapy a shot.” As I called around searching for the best therapist who would fit my needs, I would ask two questions. “Can you help me stop thinking about killing myself and can you...

Marriage Proposal #2

Share This: I guess I should keep the hope alive. I got another marriage proposal today while I was working. Man- My goodness you are beautiful, are you married? Me- Nope Man- Will you marry me? I am 84, I still have my own teeth, my penis still works, and I have a little bit of money! Me- Well you had me all the way up until the little bit of money...