#MeToo

Share This: #MeToo I was 24 years old. I had just dropped out of law school to chase my dream of becoming a comedian. I already performed a few sets in San Diego prior to moving to Los Angeles. It was on the stage at the Comedy Store in La Jolla that I realized I wanted to do more then just be a cute girl with dirty jokes. I wanted to do the IMPOSSIBLE- bring light to the unspeakable subject. Suicide. I wanted to learn more about networking so I applied for an internship with a big name in the PR world. He represented all of the stars: Michael Jackson, Sandra Bullock, Nicole Kidman– just to name a few. I had heard all of the Hollywood stories, just like we’re hearing now, so I did my research to be safe. His reputation was squeaky clean. “The kindest man in Hollywood.” When I went for the interview I was nervous and excited. I sat there with him at a coffee shop for two hours and in the end I got the position– under two conditions. I stop with my “girlish” giggle and I got rid of my gum because, “No one will respect you with that in your mouth!” Deal! I signed up for an internship that was for four hours on Sunday for the next six weeks. The following day, on Monday my phone rang. Mr. PR kept me on for two hours with his list of demands. “Sure, no problem!” said the little girl from Alachua, Florida. On Tuesday, my phone rang. I stayed on the phone with...

Grocery Store Troubles

Share This: Today, I am happy. Like, over the top HAPPY! Could be because I had a good day at work, could be because I put extra butter on my toast this morning, could be because my fiancé convinced me early morning sex would be the ultimate cure for this stupid cold I’ve been battling. Nonetheless, I am happy. After I finished up my work, I stopped at the grocery store. And this next part goes to show just how happy I am today- the lines at Whole Foods were ridiculous! But…there I stood happily waiting my turn. The man in front of me unloads his overly stuffed cart onto the conveyor belt — huffing and puffing — and says to the clerk, “I have to pay all the bills and go to the grocery store too because I have a LAZY wife!” I am still standing there. Happily holding my little basket. He takes one look at me, two looks, and on the third he rolls his eyes, exhales his grumpy breath all over me and says, “You know you can put your basket down. You don’t have to stand there exercising!” While it did catch me completely off guard, my first thought was the two little words my future stepdaughter likes to say, “How RUDE!” Then I smiled, exhaled my happy breath on him, and said– #1- The only thing in this basket is some mango, arugula and a mushroom so trust me — I didn’t feel the need to exercise. #2- People like you are the reason America has an obesity problem. Standing in line, holding...

A Conversation Between The Future Bride and Her Former Monk Father

Share This: For those of you who don’t know, my father was a Franciscan Monk before my mother gave birth to my older brother, sister, and this little angel. As you can imagine, having a former nun and monk as your parents comes in handy when you’re getting married and need an officiant. I have always adored my father’s former monk friend who is now a conservative gay Lutheran minister with multiple partners. Perfect fit for an interracial couple’s wedding right in the heart of Los Angeles! We’re like the United Colors of Benetton in our own special way. After my dad spoke with his friend, he called me to say his friend was more than happy to marry my fiancé and I. And then, the battle began- Dad: Jeannette, I didn’t want to answer for you guys– Mom: (Steals the phone and chimes in) Yes he did! Oh yes he did! Dad: (Shushing mom) Your officiant wanted to know if you’d like him to wear his suit or his vestments on the day of the wedding. At the same time Me: Suit          Dad: Vestments Me: No!           Dad: No! Dad: Listen! Your mother and I already kept our mouth’s shut when you decided NOT to get married in a church. Mom: (Steals the phone again) I was fine with it. Whatever you want, Jeannette! Dad: (Shushing mom) You could at least do this for us. Mom: (Yelling from the background) He means him! Me: I’ll ask Brian and see what he wants. Then, out of no where my father’s sweet monk voice disappears and turns into his super-thick Brooklyn accent. Dad: You...

Marriage Proposal #5

Share This:   This morning I was in the coffee shop with a man, probably 45, dressed in a nice black suit and his elderly mother. She asked how his day was going. Son- I am looking for a 3-carat diamond for my client. His fiancé cracked hers. His mother had a sweet soft voice like my mother’s. His Mom- Why do these young girls insist on having such big rings these days? All I wear is my gold band and I’ve never had any issues with the ring or my marriage. Son- You’re a special kind of woman mom. His Mom- Makes no sense. They get cloudy. Her comment made me lift my eyes away from my phone. Me- Why would a diamond get cloudy? Son- Well they are just dirty really. It’s because fit women such as yourself wear them while they run. Just make sure you take yours off. Me- Oh, I don’t have one, but thanks for the heads-up. His Mom- Oh, you’re such a nice pretty girl. (Gives her son the mom eyes and elbow) You’re not married? Me- No. I always tell my boyfriend I expect an enormous ring. Not because I am greedy, but because I am a commitment phobe and deep down I hope it scares him away. Son- A woman like you? That’s not going to scare him away! He’ll get it for you trust me! And if he doesn’t than I will!! His Mom- Yes! (Gives me the mom eyes and elbow) Finally! Marry him please! We had a good laugh and as I walked over to grab my...

A Mother, Her Daughter, and A Bag of Condoms

Share This: When my mom was a teenager, she decided to devote her life to God and become a nun. After spending a few years in the convent, she decided she would be able to do more positive things for the world if she was actually living in it. So she put in, well actually I just realized I should ask her about this because I don’t think nuns can just put in their two weeks notice, but you get the point…she quit. After my mom left the convent, she became a kindergarten teacher and she was -and still is- loved by every person she ever came into contact with. One day, when I was 16, my mom borrowed my car. She was driving the head of the school district to a big meeting when she had to slam on the brakes. Low and behold a bag of condoms, that I had hidden, flew out from under the seat. The head of the school district sees them, and my mom, extremely embarrassed, says, “Oh, I am teaching a sex education class for extra money.” I was sitting in my 11th grade English class and next thing I know I hear the school office over the intercom. “Mr. Wright, please send Jeannette Rizzi to the office. She has been checked out.” I walk into the office and there is my mom standing with her arms crossed. She didn’t say a word to me and drove straight to the doctor. She asked the doctor to put me on birth control pills, drove to the pharmacy, picked them up, threw them at me...
New Year’s Resolution 2017

New Year’s Resolution 2017

Share This: It’s that time of year again! We see them all over the place, those pesky little New Year’s resolutions. What will it be this year? Lose weight, stop eating fast food, make more money, quit the job you hate, get rid of the lover you hate, find the love of your life? Or how about no resolution at all? That might be easier. I have to admit up until my mid-twenties I picked all of the above. It wasn’t until 2007 that I started to make real New Year’s resolutions that I stuck with. Ultimately, those resolutions have not only saved my life, but they have made me the woman I am today. Right before Christmas in 2006 the man that I loved more than I loved myself walked out of my life with half of my belongings and my entire heart. Perhaps it wouldn’t have been such a tragedy if I hadn’t already lost two of my dear friends to suicide. And to make matters worse, he wasn’t the first man that I loved who stomped all over my heart and walked away without a proper goodbye. Was this what life was all about? People you love either shoot themselves or pretend to love you and then turn around and rip your guts right out? They just leave your life forever with no goodbye or explanation. I thought so and because of that I decided that I too wanted to take my own life. I walked to the edge of my balcony and right before the second foot came off of the ground, my little dog...