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#MeToo

Share This: #MeToo I was 24 years old. I had just dropped out of law school to chase my dream of becoming a comedian. I already performed a few sets in San Diego prior to moving to Los Angeles. It was on the stage at the Comedy Store in La Jolla that I realized I wanted to do more then just be a cute girl with dirty jokes. I wanted to do the IMPOSSIBLE- bring light to the unspeakable subject. Suicide. I wanted to learn more about networking so I applied for an internship with a big name in the PR world. He represented all of the stars: Michael Jackson, Sandra Bullock, Nicole Kidman– just to name a few. I had heard all of the Hollywood stories, just like we’re hearing now, so I did my research to be safe. His reputation was squeaky clean. “The kindest man in Hollywood.” When I went for the interview I was nervous and excited. I sat there with him at a coffee shop for two hours and in the end I got the position– under two conditions. I stop with my “girlish” giggle and I got rid of my gum because, “No one will respect you with that in your mouth!” Deal! I signed up for an internship that was for four hours on Sunday for the next six weeks. The following day, on Monday my phone rang. Mr. PR kept me on for two hours with his list of demands. “Sure, no problem!” said the little girl from Alachua, Florida. On Tuesday, my phone rang. I stayed on the phone with...

Grocery Store Troubles

Share This: Today, I am happy. Like, over the top HAPPY! Could be because I had a good day at work, could be because I put extra butter on my toast this morning, could be because my fiancé convinced me early morning sex would be the ultimate cure for this stupid cold I’ve been battling. Nonetheless, I am happy. After I finished up my work, I stopped at the grocery store. And this next part goes to show just how happy I am today- the lines at Whole Foods were ridiculous! But…there I stood happily waiting my turn. The man in front of me unloads his overly stuffed cart onto the conveyor belt — huffing and puffing — and says to the clerk, “I have to pay all the bills and go to the grocery store too because I have a LAZY wife!” I am still standing there. Happily holding my little basket. He takes one look at me, two looks, and on the third he rolls his eyes, exhales his grumpy breath all over me and says, “You know you can put your basket down. You don’t have to stand there exercising!” While it did catch me completely off guard, my first thought was the two little words my future stepdaughter likes to say, “How RUDE!” Then I smiled, exhaled my happy breath on him, and said– #1- The only thing in this basket is some mango, arugula and a mushroom so trust me — I didn’t feel the need to exercise. #2- People like you are the reason America has an obesity problem. Standing in line, holding...

A Conversation Between The Future Bride and Her Former Monk Father

Share This: For those of you who don’t know, my father was a Franciscan Monk before my mother gave birth to my older brother, sister, and this little angel. As you can imagine, having a former nun and monk as your parents comes in handy when you’re getting married and need an officiant. I have always adored my father’s former monk friend who is now a conservative gay Lutheran minister with multiple partners. Perfect fit for an interracial couple’s wedding right in the heart of Los Angeles! We’re like the United Colors of Benetton in our own special way. After my dad spoke with his friend, he called me to say his friend was more than happy to marry my fiancé and I. And then, the battle began- Dad: Jeannette, I didn’t want to answer for you guys– Mom: (Steals the phone and chimes in) Yes he did! Oh yes he did! Dad: (Shushing mom) Your officiant wanted to know if you’d like him to wear his suit or his vestments on the day of the wedding. At the same time Me: Suit          Dad: Vestments Me: No!           Dad: No! Dad: Listen! Your mother and I already kept our mouth’s shut when you decided NOT to get married in a church. Mom: (Steals the phone again) I was fine with it. Whatever you want, Jeannette! Dad: (Shushing mom) You could at least do this for us. Mom: (Yelling from the background) He means him! Me: I’ll ask Brian and see what he wants. Then, out of no where my father’s sweet monk voice disappears and turns into his super-thick Brooklyn accent. Dad: You...

13 Reasons Why, 1 Reason Why Not

Share This: I just finished the first episode. For those of you who don’t know me, know this. Teenage suicide is a subject I am far more familiar with than I’d like to be. However, some things in life you don’t have a choice about. Being a survivor of suicide is one of them. Within the first 5 minutes of the first episode I thought to myself, have the people who wrote this ever stepped foot into a high school after it’s struck by suicide? A few days after I lost my first friend to suicide a group of my friends were called into the office of our high school. For some reason we decided to record a video for my friend and tell him how much we loved and would miss him. I still have the video and I watched it not too long ago. We didn’t look like the students look in this episode who just lost a classmate a few days prior. We weren’t dressed in cute clothes. None of the girls had on makeup. We were barely functioning. We were in complete shock. All of us looked like we had been ripped from childhood and turned into adults within seconds. Our eyes swollen shut, tears flowing without control, our bodies still trembling from the pain days later. Taking a selfie with a sad face? WTF? Even if we had cell phones we wouldn’t have been able to find the picture button through the flooding tears. After my second friend took her own life a year later, I remember sitting at her funeral and seeing a...

Life Isn’t Fair

Share This: Life isn’t fair! How many times have you said that to yourself? I tried to count it today, but I couldn’t come up with a final calculation. The truth of the matter is the total isn’t that high. Generally, when life upsets me, my go-to childish response is, “I HATE YOU!” Any comedian with a “day job” will tell you there isn’t anything worse than returning from a comedy festival and heading back into the office. Nothing will sober you up from a four-day adrenaline rush faster than one unruly customer after another. And that was my day today! People yelling, bitching, throwing tantrums like children trying to get money back for ridiculous reasons. When I say, “No, I am sorry, this is our policy” and I get attacked. I am not really sure what Trump is doing for our country, nor am I trying to debate any of you, but I will say one thing. He is definitely teaching the people of America how to verbalize a solid threat. So here I am, back in the office, doing the best I can, feeling like I am stuck in between a rock and a hard place. I have two options. I can respond to these bullies like North Korea and threaten World War 3, OR I can behave more like Obama and say, “Let’s just hug this out.” All I know is, by the ninth hour, I am steadily losing my patience. “If one more person attacks me today…” knock…knock…knock. I open my door, take a deep breath and an employee slips a cancellation form in front...

Marriage Proposal #5

Share This:   This morning I was in the coffee shop with a man, probably 45, dressed in a nice black suit and his elderly mother. She asked how his day was going. Son- I am looking for a 3-carat diamond for my client. His fiancé cracked hers. His mother had a sweet soft voice like my mother’s. His Mom- Why do these young girls insist on having such big rings these days? All I wear is my gold band and I’ve never had any issues with the ring or my marriage. Son- You’re a special kind of woman mom. His Mom- Makes no sense. They get cloudy. Her comment made me lift my eyes away from my phone. Me- Why would a diamond get cloudy? Son- Well they are just dirty really. It’s because fit women such as yourself wear them while they run. Just make sure you take yours off. Me- Oh, I don’t have one, but thanks for the heads-up. His Mom- Oh, you’re such a nice pretty girl. (Gives her son the mom eyes and elbow) You’re not married? Me- No. I always tell my boyfriend I expect an enormous ring. Not because I am greedy, but because I am a commitment phobe and deep down I hope it scares him away. Son- A woman like you? That’s not going to scare him away! He’ll get it for you trust me! And if he doesn’t than I will!! His Mom- Yes! (Gives me the mom eyes and elbow) Finally! Marry him please! We had a good laugh and as I walked over to grab my...

Random Acts Of Kindness

Share This: I was standing on the edge of a balcony looking down at the pavement, determined to jump— determined to end my life. But just as I was about to leap, my dachshund Flash licked my leg and I fell back onto the ground, the sun shining on my face. As Flash sat on my chest licking the tears from my cheeks I desperately tried to justify my existence. What had brought me to this point was an unbearable amount of sadness I had been living with for a decade. My best friend Katie had shot and killed herself.  Her suicide was weighing on my conscience and the survivor’s guilt was eating away at my soul. Who would love Flash as much as me if I was dead? That thought is what kept me alive that day. And that’s when I made a deal with myself to live. Not only was I going to learn how to love the person I had become, but I was also going to learn how to embrace life for better or for worse. I was going to write about it, joke about it, and spread the word that, with all of its ups and downs, life is worth living. But where would I begin? How would I convince myself suicide would never be the answer? I ran through some of the traditional options. Prayer (my mom was a nun, my father a monk—this isn’t a joke) and medication were both quickly crossed off my list; they just weren’t for me. And while therapy has worked wonders for me over the years, I’ve...

A Mother, Her Daughter, and A Bag of Condoms

Share This: When my mom was a teenager, she decided to devote her life to God and become a nun. After spending a few years in the convent, she decided she would be able to do more positive things for the world if she was actually living in it. So she put in, well actually I just realized I should ask her about this because I don’t think nuns can just put in their two weeks notice, but you get the point…she quit. After my mom left the convent, she became a kindergarten teacher and she was -and still is- loved by every person she ever came into contact with. One day, when I was 16, my mom borrowed my car. She was driving the head of the school district to a big meeting when she had to slam on the brakes. Low and behold a bag of condoms, that I had hidden, flew out from under the seat. The head of the school district sees them, and my mom, extremely embarrassed, says, “Oh, I am teaching a sex education class for extra money.” I was sitting in my 11th grade English class and next thing I know I hear the school office over the intercom. “Mr. Wright, please send Jeannette Rizzi to the office. She has been checked out.” I walk into the office and there is my mom standing with her arms crossed. She didn’t say a word to me and drove straight to the doctor. She asked the doctor to put me on birth control pills, drove to the pharmacy, picked them up, threw them at me...

New Year’s Resolution 2017

Share This: It’s that time of year again! We see them all over the place, those pesky little New Year’s resolutions. What will it be this year? Lose weight, stop eating fast food, make more money, quit the job you hate, get rid of the lover you hate, find the love of your life? Or how about no resolution at all? That might be easier. I have to admit up until my mid-twenties I picked all of the above. It wasn’t until 2007 that I started to make real New Year’s resolutions that I stuck with. Ultimately, those resolutions have not only saved my life, but they have made me the woman I am today. Right before Christmas in 2006 the man that I loved more than I loved myself walked out of my life with half of my belongings and my entire heart. Perhaps it wouldn’t have been such a tragedy if I hadn’t already lost two of my dear friends to suicide. And to make matters worse, he wasn’t the first man that I loved who stomped all over my heart and walked away without a proper goodbye. Was this what life was all about? People you love either shoot themselves or pretend to love you and then turn around and rip your guts right out? They just leave your life forever with no goodbye or explanation. I thought so and because of that I decided that I too wanted to take my own life. I walked to the edge of my balcony and right before the second foot came off of the ground, my little dog...

Bye Bah Humbug, Hello ER Doctor

Share This: It’s a well-known fact that no one can avoid. We all feel a little lonely over the holiday season. It’s even worse if you’re like me and you’re spending it alone. Oh, and then there’s that whole naturally slightly suicidal thing I have going on as well. I bear a heavy load so to speak, but I don’t need sympathy for it. I am just saying…bah humbug! Before the holidays even arrived I started to blog and this morning I was lying in bed thinking about what my next blog could be about. The conversation in my head went like this. “Let’s see, oh, I know, I’ll write about how to make it through the holidays without running to jump off of a cliff. No Rizzi, get away from suicide. What else can you write about? Well I’m a really good personal trainer. How about doing a piece on how to avoid holiday weight gain? Nah. Overplayed, Rizzi. What else? Condom free porn? Now you’re onto something. Hum, condom free porn, what can I write about condom free porn. Ugh…I am lonely!” As I continued to lie there and have this little chat with myself at 3 am, I thought back to a talk I had with my friend about trying a dating app like Bumble or Tinder. I always seem to forget my vagina, Minnie, can read my mind– so then of course she wakes up at 3:05 am and starts cheering, “Yes! Tinder!” “Um, no Minnie, neither you nor I have enough self-control for that app so you can forget it.” “Okay, mom.” She was silent for a...

Marriage Proposal #3

Share This: I just met Madea’s twin at Whole Foods in the checkout line. She looked in my little basket. Madea- Look at that piece of chocolate. There must be lots of calories in that. Me- It’s Sunday. Who cares about calories? Madea- Hell with that figure you got, you don’t need to worry about calories on any day of the week! Me- Well not exactly, but thank you. (Madea picks up the wine in my basket) Madea- Is this sweet? I like sweet red wine! Me- (Not thinking before I open my mouth) Then you should get the ménage trois. That’s the best. (Medea lets out a Madea laugh at the top of her lungs) Madea- Well I would like to try that just because of the name sister! (There was a silent pause as she strokes the wine bottle) Madea- Maybe you want to come over with me and my boyfriend to have some? I bet by the end of the night he will want to marry both of us! (I gently take back the wine bottle and pat her on the shoulder) Me- I bet…him and every other man in America! Onward and upward…without the ménage trois…for today at...

#accosted #whitebitch

Share This: All my life I was taught to be nice to people or “God would punish me.” In my teenage years that statement turned me into a doormat. People would make fun of me or my boyfriends’ would treat me like shit and I just took it. Why? So that a mysterious figure in the sky wouldn’t punish me? The situation only got worse after two of my friends took their own lives. Then, not only was I worried that “God would punish me,” I was also worried that my words would cause a third person to take their life as well. So, it was easier for me to just swallow what I had to say. Even if that person deserved to be put back in their place. There is only so long that you can take verbal abuse without fighting back before it will come out in a different way. Right around the age of eighteen was when all of the hurtful things that had been said to me started to come out in a negative way. I had always had a habit of twisting my hair, but all of a sudden I started to rip it out. I also started to get terrible acne and the thought of killing myself was constantly on my mind. That was when I took a long hard look in the mirror and said, “It’s time to give therapy a shot.” As I called around searching for the best therapist who would fit my needs, I would ask two questions. “Can you help me stop thinking about killing myself and can you...

Marriage Proposal #2

Share This: I guess I should keep the hope alive. I got another marriage proposal today while I was working. Man- My goodness you are beautiful, are you married? Me- Nope Man- Will you marry me? I am 84, I still have my own teeth, my penis still works, and I have a little bit of money! Me- Well you had me all the way up until the little bit of money...

A Single Girl, A Phlebotomist, Mixed With A Little Karma

Share This: I am sure that it doesn’t surprise you to hear the child of a nun and a monk lives in constant fear that God will punish her if she acts out in anyway. I would like to say that this fear of mine is irrational, but it’s proven time and time again. Or, maybe I am wrong. Perhaps it’s a little ole thing we call karma. Let me start by telling you a story about one of my best friends’ growing up. Her name is Amy. Amy and I have known each other since we were in kindergarten. We have been through everything together including many doctors’ appointments. I used to love to go with her because she always passed out when she saw a needle. I was highly entertained. I would laugh, and laugh, and laugh some more until she would wake up. Little did I know God, or karma, was sitting right there in the room with us just waiting to pay my ass back. Fast forward to 10 years ago. I went for my annual physical and they decided to run some blood tests. Sure, no problem. I walk into this room with a phlebotomist, a table, and three chairs. Someone is getting their blood drawn and there is a mother and a child up next. The kid is crying hysterically and the mom is trying to calm him down. She leans to me and says, “Do you mind going next?” Sweet, less waiting at the doctor, what did I do to score such luck? I sit down and I can hear the mother. “Watch...

Marriage Proposal #1

Share This: All I ever hear is, “Once a woman hits her late thirties, all she thinks about is marriage!”  I wouldn’t consider myself desperate, but the thought does cross my mind. However, the world is lying to themselves if they think women are the only ones who think about it more and more as they hit their late thirties. I know this because men talk to me about it all the time. Or, better yet, men ask me to marry them on a weekly basis. Just ask the guy I met at Starbucks yesterday! I was standing behind him as he was ordering and then he turned to me and started chatting. Guy- I didn’t mean to hold up the coffee line there. Me- It’s no problem. Guy- So you’re headed to the gym. Me- Well kind of, I work at a gym. Guy- Oh you’re a trainer, I can tell. You must do fitness modeling. Me- Me? Oh no, not me! (It’s important to note here- he was actually my age and very good looking- so I actually feel myself blushing and smiling) Guy- Why not?! You certainly have the body for it! Me- Well thank you, but no. I am Italian. I eat pizza and pasta. No fitness modeling here. Guy- You should, you are probably smoking hot in a bikini. (And here was the key moment where I snapped out of it and think to myself- oh this slick motherfu$&@r) Me- Oh you sneaky bastard! You almost got me! Guy- (He starts laughing) What, I am serious! Are you single? Come get in a bikini...

A Single Girl And Her Gynecologist

Share This: When I am not working on my one woman show, I am busy working in the fitness industry. Before I begin this diary entry it’s important to note I have been a certified personal trainer for 15 years. I have trained hundreds of people and one of them was my gynecologist. I tell you that fact so it’s clear that the story I am about to tell you isn’t a story about a gynecologist lacking professionalism. It’s a story about my gynecologist who became my client and knows me more than a doctor typically knows his patient. A little over 10 years ago, little did I know I was about to have my heart broken. Actually, I was headed for more than a heartbreak, I was about to have my guts ripped out from within. As the relationship was coming to an end, I had a doctor’s appointment with my gynecologist. My boyfriend at the time was sitting with me in the lobby and we were having an argument over the trust issues I was having. In the middle of the argument the office door opens and I hear, “Jeannette Rizzi.” There he was, my doctor who is McDreamy’s doppelganger, standing with my chart. My boyfriend looked at me and said, “Really?” And with a sweet fuck you voice I smile and say, “Yes, really.” We walk into the exam room and I could tell the doctor didn’t recognize me. I had straightened my hair and lost about 20 pounds. The doctor was asking me the typical questions and the last one was “What is it you...

A Little Lesson from the Movie Amistad

Share This: Anyone who has ever met my mother will tell you she has touched many lives though out her time here on Earth. Even though she takes a little heat in my show, she is every reason why I have become the woman I am today. This week, without even knowing, she has been on my mind every night before I go to bed. My day job gets stressful at the end of the month and my anxiety levels go through the roof. I have tried many ways to ease it and one thing that was suggested was to watch 30 minutes of Reality TV before bed. “It doesn’t require you to think Jeannette, try it and see what happens.” I tried it and it did the opposite. Instead of shutting down, my mind went into a tailspin. “What the hell? Why are these people on TV? I can’t watch this shit! Shut up already, these are not real problems!” So I changed the channel. Last Monday as I was flipping through my Netflix I stumbled upon the movie Amistad. I thought of my mom, smiled, and hit play. Each night I watched 30 minutes before bed and slept fairly well. No, the movie is not funny and it does require you to think. Even though it was the first time I have seen it, Amistad and I have history together. When I graduated from High School I decided I was going to be a lawyer. I knew it was going to be a lot of hard work, but I was determined to maintain a high GPA in...